Field Notes In/On Transition
Yesterday I mentioned to my neighbour, about how now, at not quite a month into HRT (Anti Androgen lowering testosterone slowly over several month to lady levels.) “My emotions are seeming to come from a different place”. This is at least… how I have processed my recent emotional life, at any rate.
If you know me, you know that I can have a short fuse at times. It often erupts more with pissiness winning out over pithiness. It’s happened a few times recently, and the best way to explain it is of course, with fuzzy metaphors: With my former (I see as) elevated testosterone levels, my pissiness had a rougher rusty serrated edge yet foggy to it. My lowered testosterone rages seem cleaner, razor edged, sharp like a samurai sword across a sunset. I still have a hair trigger, it’s just easier for me to get over it.
Weird? yes, but well, I am more of a poet, than I am any other kind of writer, and imagery is my bread, peanut butter, and my bananas. It’s the other emotions that are tied to the angry times that make me take notice, as well as the clarity of what I’m mad at. Pre-anti androgen... whatever “triggers” were involved blurred under the anger which seeped into my daily interactions with people, and it took longer for me to saw through the pissiness and come out feeling ok again. Even if this is some sort of partial or fully placebo effect, it’s very heartening to me that what this clearer, sharper knowledge of exactly what it is I’m having a hissy fit over is making it easier for me let go and move on.
It’s not just a shift in emotion, that I am starting to grasp onto, but there have been some slight physical changes too. Glacially starting I think. I have this intuition than my transition will be a long slow process, which is really what I desire despite my occasional urges to just start “femme-ing up” all day every day. I know I am not ready for that yet.
I also know that I am in need of some more concrete goal-posts for my process.
What physical changes have I noticed? Well it may well be my imagination, but my skin is starting to feel softer, especially my face, and I swear that my belly flab is shifting from big man belly to my hips/butt ever so slowly. also my centre of gravity seems to be fluctuating somewhat. Or again, it feels like that to me. It may all just be my own subconscious acceptance of where I’m going, but I’m happy to be feeling this way.
…. I know how to blend. I really do. But it’s become painful to be called “Sir”, “Buddy”, or worst of all “Boss”… (’Boss’ ? Really? Just off the chain gang, are you? I’m not your “Boss”, Hipster Douchebag.) all day. I really only started noticing all the “Sirring” I get daily, a month or two ago (this could also be increased due to how much older I am than so many of my customers), after making my decision to transition. I’m a long way from getting “Ma’am’d” anywhere but the internets. this I know, but it’s my small dream to someday have someone see me as I really am.
Not that I even have a clear image myself. That’s what this process is all about… I’m really just trying to be the best version of myself that I can be. A long term project if ever there was one….
I also have to start in on much of the landscaping and remodelling that I will be having to do myself in order to make this ruined fort of a body into a temple of Venus. All do-able, but expensive (more hair removal than you want to know about) and time consuming. But sitting around and thinking about this stuff all day, also: time consuming, but far less productive than actually getting started.
Another thing I’ve been cogitating on is how differently I’m experiencing this round of being out and trying to transition (I had a short time on Anti-Androgens in 95-96, but wasn’t ready, and stopped, back into the closet (mostly) ) This time it just seems like I have no other choice other than to keep slowly moving forward with this…(It’s not been a “should I or not” issue since I walked in the doctor’s office in January) until I find the space where I can be comfortable with myself, and the world around me.
Of course I have lots of doubts that I have the strength, character, wisdom and/or money to fully transition, or even if I want to “fully transition”… I’ve always been one for grand plans that only occasionally come to fruition, usually long after whenever I had planned to have accomplished whatever it was. It is an instant everything culture we live in after all.
I know though in my heart that I will be (just like all the over things I count as accomplishments: my books, movies, my comic; all took me quite a long time to do (not so much the video poems, those are quickly done, I’m a wiz with the video editing) doing this as carefully and thoughtfully as one should, given the scope of it.
My first splurge of whatever on the topic … more hopefully more cogent Field Notes, to come. With pictures, and other odds and ends from the internet.
Josie Boyce 4/20/12