Field Notes In/On Transition
These notes are getting longer all the time….
Sometimes, I feel that my “soft move” of wearing ladies jeans, androgynous shirts, earrings, and nail polish for awhile, before I start braving things like short shorts or skirts, dresses, pantyhose. and makeup; all that stuff that not all women bother with very much these days anyway, is stifling the gal inside, rather than freeing her.
I just might be a jeans and a tee-shirt kind of girl. I really don’t know yet. But eventually I will have to give the girlier stuff a whirl in public. From my perspective, a person’s sense of fashion should keep up with their age, though not in a cliched kind of way.
The only men’s clothing I’ve worn in two months are the odd tee-shirt, pair of socks, or jacket. Yet, one wouldn’t really say that other than on Facebook perhaps, that, I’m living my life as a woman. I’m not “doing a voice” yet, as I’ve mentioned, (I sure do think about that a lot, though.) nor am I seemingly ever not covered in some kind of stubble.
No dresses or skirts in public yet. Capri’s though, (more of longer jeans shorts than actual capri’s, mind you.) I have been wearing. Too scared though, still, to be wearing any of the more girly than androgynous footwear. I have all these cute flats, that I only wear to take out the garbage or hang out in the backyard. Sigh. eventually.
A few of my friends and acquaintances are helping me out on this front by having switched over to calling me “Josie”, all the time. It’s pretty awesome that people can make the switch, hopefully without feeling too much pressure to do so, rather, just, that’s who they are seeing: Josie. That’s the goal, man voice or not.
Obligatory note about Bathroom confusion:
The other day I went to see the Avengers, dressed as usual these days in my not so vaguely androgynous leopard and sparkly jeans, I had a moment where I almost followed the lady friend of the couple I was with, to the ladies’. For as long as I can remember I’ve felt some sort of vaguely understood shame about the whole public washroom scenario. It’s something that eventually will be an issue.
For now I’m relatively comfortable, though prefer to find a stall, to a urinal. Ewww. Once you start sitting to pee, it really seems wrong to stand, at least for me. So much easier to hit the bowl.
All this thinking about silly binary life has got me thinking about a conversation I had awhile ago with another trans-woman, that in this day and age it’s lame to think about “boy” activities vs. “girl” activities. Girls play with dolls, boys with trucks, girls sew, crochet, cook, girls cook, clean, and play dress up.
Of course, these are complete cliches, stereotypes…. but there are things in your own life that you have set in your mind, most of us, that are just that boy activities, as opposed to girl activities. For this person a “boy” thing was riding her bike, which she hadn’t really been doing since starting transition. She talked of her own plan to make that a girl activity, too, by simply getting a “Girl’s Bicycle”, easier to ride in a skirt, and all.
For me, it is my more nerdy activities: comic books, playing D&D, watching sports, etc that are the things that growing up being cultured as a male (despite almost every inclination) I latched onto with quite a fervour. I’m still a pretty ravenous comic book devourer, in fact.
Now, obviously I know that these activities, especially in this day and age are enjoyed by men, women, and a whole hell of a lot of people astride the rainbow that connects those two designations; are as rabid fans of these things as I am, moreso, in quite a few cases I can think of.
This knowledge however doesn’t stop that loop in my head that tells me I need to be practicing more “ladylike” hobbies, like fashion, or knitting, or something. I should be happy to be a nerdy girl, at least as much as I am to be a nerdy boy. And in fact I am. Check out this nerdy girl link. This gal is my new hero!
(I would love to have any number of these awesome dresses. These are far more awesome than anything I’ve seen on the internet in a long time. This lady is a genius.)
There is a yearning though of course to somehow change “everything” about yourself. That’s the real realm of fantasy. You are who you are, you are just presenting yourself in a new way, is how I’m coming to see it. Bringing out aspects of yourself that you had hidden behind binary gender nonsense…
Which segues kind of, into that other cesspool of Gender Binarism that i’ve been wallowing in recently: sex.
Note the small “s’. That says far more than it should about where I’m at in that arena. :P
My chest/boob hair has been growing back like cactus spines over the less than two weeks since the “big wax”. Seriously, I felt like I was being body pierced all over my chest, back, the last few days. the hairs (that yes are sparser and softer, greyer, than before) pushed through my skin like an awl poking slowly through a leather belt.
It’s much worse to actually see though. I’m disgusted by my stubbly B cups (a guess, but it’s more than an “A”) as much as I’m fascinated by the fact that even this early on HRT that there is a bit of “lady boob shape” going on there.
See, Not sexy. I do however have some real cleavage starting to happen. I have far too much shame over these few hairs, and am not ready quite yet to have guys never notice my eyes, again…. Yes, I’m getting to the sex part, slowly. I do however want a bit of that kind of attention. It’s been along time since I’ve been able to focus or even care about meeting someone, or dating or whatever the hell the dance to the bedroom is being called these days.
my problem is the same as it always has been: I have no idea even what I’m ready for. Hating your body, and who you are presenting yourself as, AKA: the very thing that attracts people to you, makes for complicated relationships. All of my “relationships” in the past have been “doomed” by my own inability to be comfortable with someone wanting me as a “man”, I feel shame if someone says I’m handsome, or a good looking guy, almost as much as when someone calls me Sir, or Man or “Bro” or whatever.
Shame, like I’m sorry for lying to you about being a dude. But I’m also aware of my technical and obvious non-girl status in most eyes that fall upon me. It’s been really hard for me to be flirty since this has all started to fall into place. Lucky for me, The Hormones have muted the “male drive” quite substantially. Not having that constant most obvious awareness of my “maleness” intrude on my daily life so much, has made me more aware that my inclination to “be the girl” in and out of bed, is far more on track than any of the previous paths that I’ve trod, and I’ve trod a great many.
I predict that by the time I’m comfortable presenting as whatever kind of woman it is that I am, I will be also ready for a decent, kind, strong hunk of a man to share at least some of my life with. For now that street is under repairs, as I focus on getting my life properly askew. A little chaos is good for the heart, a lot is, well, just more chaos.