Field Notes In/On Transition
Games People Play
So, Gaming...? Has my lack of testosterone made the hack & slash too dull for me, or am I just tired of the hack & slash? Maybe there’s a bit of both things at work there. Recently I’ve been gaming again (tabletop RPGs, haven’t played a video game in weeks, unless you count facebook scrabble). I haven’t been as down with, or interested in the sort of “Tank” game that I often have more often than not played in the past. Just rushing into scenarios without much of a plan other than having a sword, and some quips to hurl.
I want to get a bit more role play and sticking to the ideals of the character and backstory I’ve created for that character. But sometimes it’s difficult, as group think can take over, and things can get bloody and ugly quick in most RPGs. I’m not really sure that this is a function of hormone levels, living, presenting as female, or if as a gamer, I’m changing, maybe even (Gasp!) maturing into a different gamer? I’m trying hard to do a log after each game I play, which makes it easier for me to stay interested in the long term-ness of it all.
On the Sir/Ma’am front: some folks recently have started correcting themselves after saying; “Sir,” or “Man,” or even “Joe,” it’s heartening as I hear this a bit more lately. I feel like it’s not so much the clothes, hair as it is the whole package, my demeanour and aura I hope is being subtly transformed, as I slowly carefully transform myself physically, emotionally. Hormone rebalancing does more than lessen body hair, and soften my skin, it has made me (mostly) calmer and less agitated. My take is that this is not just a function of the hormones, but also due to finally feeling like I’m becoming the person I always thought/dreamed I’d someday become.
I realized the other day that I’ve been wearing skirts or dresses every day for a few weeks. For all my talk of being a jeans and T-shirt kind of girl... The hot weather made me more of a skirt and tee-shirt kind of gal. I’m getting much more comfortable en femme, the longer it goes on. I barely think about what’s “appropriate,” other than wanting to look nice and be weather ready. I also received a gift of some awesome sandals that I cannot only bear (my attitude has been anti-sandal for years, mostly because I felt uncomfortable in them every time I wore them.) but really feel comfortable and feminine while wearing. Thank you Kimberley!
Part of me is weary at thinking so much about what I’m doing, going on too much in my blog, allll those pictures on Facebook! But I realized that the internet is my mirror, (abyss) I’m looking to see what, or who looks back. After pondering that thought, I decide that yeah, I am I think pretty obviously looking for some validation, not so much because I need it (though, I do!), but because I feel I can, maybe even deserve to have/get some validation. I’ve never really felt my life choices to be worthy, ere now.
I always felt like no one took me seriously, ( I realize now) because I didn’t take myself seriously, either. I may have blustered and bragged occasionally, but that was all self defensive talk: trying to shield my ego from my self loathing once in a while.
When you have no confidence that who you are is anything but a facade constructed of Pizza (aka every kind of crap junk food known to the world), toys, snarky comments, clever cultural references, and booze, it’s hard to take people saying nice things about you as real. “They’re just being nice.” I saw myself as trapped, unable to become a real person, until I started transitioning. The over eating (which had I been female would have been called binge eating, but as a dude, it's just a Big Apetite"), the boozing, the submersion in pop culture, being constantly snarky, and cynical as a humorous defense mechanism all that was surface coating. paint jobs covering up, hiding what I really wanted, which was to be a girl.
Now, while Joe had a hard time buying any kind of praise, or people saying nice things about him, Josie can hear and accepts with gratitude and joy any compliments she’s receiving on her journey. That’s progress in my books. And it’s something that before transitioning, I never even considered as being part of the healing that really is what Transition is for me. I’ve had a few bumps in the road, and some negativity thrown my way, but it’s a minuscule thing compared to the amount of positive feedback, real help, acceptance, and guidance I’ve gotten from my friends and family. People give me clothes, shoes, more makeup than most gals need, constant reassurance and well meaning advice. I feel like I’m being healed, and even better healing myself.
Despite all the bad news I read online, or hear on the news everyday about reactionary thinkers, homophobes, fascist politicians who seem to want to control how we think, and other people/corporations stuck playing power games with the lives of everyone in the world simply to fill their coffers, I have hope, yet.
I feel hopeful about people and the world. If my corner of it can be so awesome, the rest of it can get there too. There is a lot of bureaucracy (name change, “medical” hoops to jump through and money to be found to afford all that is not covered) as I progress, and in the Machine of Bureaucracy there is little in the way of empathy to be had, but I have all the empathy I need from my friends, new and old who have been helping me on my journey. I am feeling strong, and able to do this.
Sometimes I still feel a bit like I’m not participating enough in “the community” of Trans folk, but I’m slow to make real lasting connections with people, and also I feel so blessed with the awesome support I already have, that I don’t need much from others in my boat, other than maybe friendship, and perhaps as I get more confident, some working together to make things better for Trans folk where we can. But then I tell myself that I am not even 6 months in, I don’t have to be doing everything at once. I’m not much of a joiner to start with.
Time will tell how involved I end up within the community, which is really just a subset of the greater community of progressive minded Vancouverites that I already swim with. I am joining a bit of a coffee klatch on the weekend. for me that is the perfect forum for getting to know other people with similar interests, in a casual, informal discussion setting, with good coffee etc.
I’m going on instinct and revelling in doing so.