Field Notes In/On Transition.
Some thoughts some actions
You may have noticed, reading my transition blog, that I often include a Freewill Astrology. This time is no different. I like the way Brezsny words his horoscopes. Very often there is something for me to mull over, a way for me to apply the big theme of each horoscope to my life. Which, really is what any kind of Oracle is all about; figuring things out on your own by being given archetypal, maybe not so archetypal metaphors to ponder.
As to this one, both his questions can be posed to my life in some pretty obvious ways. My “noblest dreams,” or highest ideals have always been about transitioning, becoming the person I’ve always felt I could be, given ideal circumstances. Of course no circumstances are completely ideal. However I feel that my transition is going much better than I ever could have imagined, I still though, don’t feel that I’m completely living the dream, as it were. There are still some pretty big fears flickering in the shadows of my own Platonic cavern.
Which leads into the second question he asks... My undermining of myself happens on a subconscious level, (Where did that Donut come from, why did I just eat a whole box of them? When did that happen? ) and these days very much on a conscious level.
I think the longer I live as my “true self," the more comfortable I get being Josie (and I am very comfortable almost all the time), the more I can see my self-undermining behaviour as it happens, occasionally even before it happens, giving me the chance to avoid it.
Sometimes I do manage not eat all the snack food I have in the house, or spend an entire afternoon I’d set aside to spend working of some writing project or another: playing video games, or watching bad reruns of bad tv, or some other nerdy diversion.
It seems to be a slow road for me, changing all the negative habits that I have spent most of my life submerged within (overeating, partying, playing games) while avoiding the elephant in the room, called Gender dysphoria, transition, whatever label I wanted to use at the time.
My need to change my presentation to better fit who I am has led to both my greatest creative inspirations: my poetry, videos, and other creative output, as well as the dark side of self loathing: represented by obesity, overspending, and hoarding of subculture trophies like comic books, DVDs, video games, clothes, drink and drug stories.
The one thing in this horoscope that resonates the most for me, is the thing about self-sabotage, obviously. Not only, have I spent most of my life not believing in myself, I’ve spent most of that time not really believing in others either, that they could or really did want to help me in some way. I never hero worshipped anyone, other than in a very shallow sense. No one “inspired” me as a kid. I knew they would hate me too if they knew about “it.” (the fact that I’m Trans)
I’m coming around though; I guess from having so much awesome support on my journey from Family, extended family, friends and even acquaintances, all being so helpful and respectful to me has made me a bit more aware that I’m not completely alone in this.
Which finally brings me to some field notes. I had a lovely time actually making it out to a “trans” event, a Christmas Turkey dinner thrown down at the Lion’s Den on the drive. The company was lovely divine, and there was a party afterwards. I gorged on turkey, and stuffing, which I realized I hadn’t had at all in a couple of years.
At the after party I had a bit more snacking, some wine, and then had a dehydration moment in a too speedy for a a small building elevator, crashing to the ground on the wrong floor. I was helped with a glass of water, by a tenant who heard me crashing around like a wildebeest on her floor. She found the party hosts and I went up to the loo for a bit, had some more water, then, home and fine. I thought it might be the food, wasn’t the drink... it was the lack of water, as I realized smacking my lips while taking my pills before bed. I had not one glass of water all day. D’oh. lesson learned.
I had a solid if a bit cranky week at work after that, as my knee was in pain most of the time, but then I had dinner with my great friend Leanne, and apropos of hearing me whinge a bit, she told me I looked pretty today. I’m sure I thanked her, and that we had further great conversation, but all I remember is the “squee” from deep inside somewhere that roared out my ears. No one has ever (without it being said insultingly) called me pretty before. Silly? Don’t care.
It was a day in fact when after finishing my makeup in the morning, I thought and said to myself, you look pretty today, and had a fleeting idea that maybe someone else would think so. And They Did! I know, people say stuff, but I will take what I can get. Acknowledgement is plenty for me, and it’s, acknowledgement, something that I feel I’m getting far more consistently now. I still get all the “Sir, Buddy, Boss, Mans” all day, but those are easily mitigated by all the “huns and dears” I get.
After I got home from that dinner and a beer on the supposed apocalypse, I was watching TV and thinking about whether my friend was just being polite or not, when I realized I didn’t care, and I started to cry, kind of sobbing and laughing at the same time, that was eerily similar to times I’ve seen my mom do the same self embarrassed laugh/cry many times before. It was like a Deja Vu. This memory reinforced the laugh/crying several times that night. I’m pretty sure I was giggling through tears when I fell asleep.
The next day was another day closer to Christmas, one that I feel underwhelmed about mostly. I feel weird somewhat, that I want so much to spend it alone. But my friend (and my other great Friend Becky, the next day) surprised me with some prezzies. I bought very little in the way of gifts this year, having recently realized I was spending far too much. I’d give if I knew how much I have. Blah. That’s getting sorted. after breakfast with my coffee gang, I went down the street to have the greasy breakfast at one of the few remaining Chinese Canadian Greasy Spoons in East Van.
While I was there, a lady sitting in the corner was ranting to her very patient friend (social worker was the vibe) about various ills, things that happened to her.
I’m not sure if I triggered her going off about the “tranny” in her building, and how “it” hated her, and was out to get her, but she did, did she ever. There were a lot of “trannys”, and “its” thrown about before she switched topics and ranted about something else. I tried to put it out of my mind as a minor annoyance from someone with more issues in her life than gendering people properly, and 15 minutes later, I went up to pay my bill.
The gal at the till told me that the lady in the corner (patient friend/social worker) had paid my bill for me. Everyone in the crowded restaurant had heard the tirade, and that my bill had been paid. I felt like everyone was cheering me as I left.
I walked home (okay to valu village first) again kind of laugh/cry/sobbing. I hope this is not how I really cry, it's a bit over the top. :P How bad can your life be, if you can laugh while you are crying.
Today is Christmas Eve day, and my "card" I got today was my bank card that has Josie Boyce on it. My first real ID card is the one I use the most!
I also got a note from Service NB, where I guess my Birth certificate I sent Vital Stats BC, must've ended up. They are asking me for 45 bucks for a new name version. I have to call first though and see about the old gender designation, and how hardass they are about changing it to F.
I'm having a dry Xmas for some reason. Just not feeling like drinking the next couple days, maybe after work on Boxing day. Merry Christmas, or whatever other festivus you may happen to enjoy in this season of festivii.
Oh and I'm not sure what question he's talking about at the end of the horoscope, but that's what i'm trying to figure out. I'm sure something will come to me.