Field Notes In/On Transition
Oh Yeah, there’s more to it that slapping on some Pancake and Lippy
On Friday I went for (already paid for with a decent groupon, so it’s not cutting into my now lower paycheques) my first Laser Hair Removal of the facial hair variety.
It hurts. Sometimes only a little, sometimes a lot, either way it’s rather a stressful place to be; under the laser beam. There may have been a bit of the electrolysis as well, on the eyebrows. That part worked out best after one treatment.
The eyebrows look good. The laser though seems to have woken up more follicles than it killed. In the couple of days since getting it done my face seems more stubbly around dinner time than before. I may have to start shaving twice a day, if I want to go out in the evening. I am more than hoping this is temporary. I don’t want to go through what was an exhausting experience on a regular basis if it’s going to make things more of a pain, and more embarrassing than my previous 5 o’clock shadow poking through the makeup. Supposedly some of the hairs that were laser-ed will start falling out after a few days. I haven’t noticed that yet. I guess one session is not enough to change much. I am getting some combos of electrolysis and laser done every Friday for the next few weeks, after work.
On other fronts, I’m still snacking too much and having a hard time getting rid of my winter weight, or whatever you want to call the ten to fifteen pounds I’ve put on since starting Transition. Some of it is definitely Boob weight I don’t want to lose, but that’s part of the price for actually getting off my ass and doing some exercise. Most of my flab though is of the big stomach variety. :(
Can I find the strength of character to do that though, is the question? I tell myself every morning as I get up, that I’m going to do a bit extra exercise that day. Most days I don’t do any more physical activity than is required to get to work, do my job and come home. I know that I need to start with some lighter exercise and slowly build to being more physically active every day. I was able to lose that weight after my high blood pressure incident in 2007, and have kept off all but these ten-15 pounds, but it’s so easy to put the weight on, and harder every day I age, which is of course, every day.
Try as I might the only positive outlet I feel up to these days is taking photos with my iphone. I upload them to my facebook for my friends to see. But like I said in my last post I feel like I want to start trying to think of them more as part of whatever art it is that I create, more than just showing off the pretty flowers that can be found in my neighbourhood.
Hmmm a few days since I wrote the parts above, and I haven’t noticed anything about my beard getting lighter except that it’s actually heavier, harder to shave. I guess you really do have to get a lot of treatments before anything happens. Despite the great deal I got on this process; early on, I’m skeptical.
We had a so called Election here in BC and the bloated incumbent “liberals” (actually old So-Creds who ditched that party when it became unmarketable) who are only ‘liberal’ with the depletion of resources and selling land for Condos that sit empty. The most beautiful province in the country is really just a cash grab for people who already have more money than they can ever spend; but feel the need to squeeze the working poor for that much more.
I can almost guarantee that that pipeline that supposedly is going to “save” the province, is in fact going to rupture all over the North ruining lots of other natural resources and likely displacing lots of people from their homes; and taxpayers will have to pay for it all. The oil companies and other billionaires are completely protected by their money.
I’m so angry at the lack of vision by anyone in charge in our country (and pretty much everywhere else) that I don’t think the world deserves to keep going. I wish some alien invasion or natural disaster would wipe our parasitic species off the earth and leave it for the animals and plants.
But that’s not going to happen either, likely. We will just keep working towards a future that echoes our past in terms of social equality. The entire world is run by various petty tyrants and so called benevolent dictators. Oxymoron much? All the cliches about Justice, fairness and helping others are just cliches to the oligarchs, and they only mouth the words, while brainwashing the poor into thinking that someday they will win the lotto or become Michael Jordan.
The reason that these Oligarchs managed to win though in this case is also becoming a cliche: preying on voter apathy and fear of progressiveness or change. Less than 50% of the electorate voted. In my opinion, they should all have to keep campaigning until they (they being all the politicians) get 50% or more of folk to vote. Less than that should be invalid. They should have to do it without taking donations (bribes in my opinion), also. Most of us are poor but have no interest in electing a poor person to office.
The more conservative parties realized a while ago that voter apathy, especially in the young, works in their favour every time. Older folk vote more often than not, whereas the “I know everything” mentality of youth feels either above voting (they’re all crooks they say) or has become so disenfranchised by every and any government that they think their vote doesn’t matter. As it turns out, though, those with the most clout in the election were the non-voters.
I’m beaten down by it all, myself. I voted for the person running in my riding who I thought would do the best job, that person won, but I don’t feel good about it. In my perfect world Party Affiliation, corporate affiliation would disqualify you from running for office. Political parties are just clubs that ostracize those who think differently from them. The world as far as I can tell runs more on fear, hatred than it does on love, and empathy.
But I’m just a lonely cog who has chosen a really difficult path later in life. There is no empathy for me or anyone like me from any government anywhere. (Yet I keep voting and hoping things will change.) Rich folk see me as something to step on and bleed dry so their friends and themselves can get richer. What power do I have to stop this or help anyone else? None. None at all. I keep voting, I keep working, paying taxes, doing right by as many people as I can, but only my friends or family give a shit.
The world at large fears everything, including me; a sad and very much emotionally spiritually broken Trans person, who has maybe a big mouth, perhaps, but otherwise has been beaten down and has less than no power, personal or otherwise. I’m pretty sure that when my current employment finishes (hopefully later than sooner) there will be no jobs for me. I have no real skills at being a Manager of anything other than a video store that is quirkier than the record store in High Fidelity. There’s not a lot of call for that these days.
In my perfect world, we would vote for people, not parties, each vote would count equally and the various elected folk would work together on issues that actually matter to the people who elected them. But that’s crazy talk. Never happen. It’s not like we have a system set up just to do that. Oh wait.... Never mind.
In my perfect version of my own life, I would work from home (mostly) writing, editing, working on some sort of artistic, culturally valuable something or other. The only job I ever had that suited me to a tee, was one that I got by chance when a friend of mine got a big book deal, he subcontracted some work creating ESL lessons online. I worked hard at that 6-8 week gig and enjoyed every minute of it. Sadly it was a contract, and it ended. I was afraid when I started that I couldn’t do that “work from home” thing, that I’d fall into procrastination and fail my friend. I didn’t I worked hard, and was constantly early if not on time with every lesson. Nothing could be further from the truth.
I feel like it was the one time (and the last few months of teaching ESL in Japan, I was confident too) in my life that wasn’t writing/reading poetry where I felt like I was doing something valuable and that my work was being valued. I was really crushed when I found out they had hired someone else to take over the job before I even started. There is nothing in my life right now that makes me feel like I’m going to be rewarded for work that I enjoy and thrive doing. In a few years I will likely be working some minimum wage job or be on wellie or homeless or some combination thereof. My future may not be bright, but at least I won’t be totally alone.
Like millions of others around the world, I will never get to “retire,” that’s a myth, that poor folk who work their whole lives get some sort of “reward” when they get to a “certain age.” Unless of course you mange to win the lotto. Somebody has to win, right?